One Thursday, while I was watching a play called The Vagina Monologues, I received a phone call that didn't make me happy at all.

Since the play was finished anyway after that call, I went to stay with a group of people I knew. I had to wait a while since I was riding back to Makati with my teacher (who was part of the play) .

"Hello, everyone!" I greeted and sat on one of the chairs available there.

I didn't realize that I had such a sad (more of frustrated) disposition plastered on my face until a friend pointed it out to me.

"What's wrong?" He asked.
My gaze drifted towards him, my mind still hung up on the phone conversation I had.  "Hmm? What do you mean?"
"Your eyes."
I was caught off guard. "What do you mean?"
"You're not okay."
"How can you tell?" I replied in bewilderment.
"Your eyes kind of..." and then he made a gesture by pulling down the outer corner of his eyes. "Are you okay?"

For some reason, a feeling of relief washes over me. I tell him what happened and he replies with kind words and an assuring hug.

And what have I learned from this?

Vulnerability is not a bad thing sometimes. It's good for you and for the person you show your vulnerability to.

As you present yourself in your brokenness, you open yourself to healing.

And at the same moment, you are giving the person seeing you in that state an opportunity to show compassion.

And there is this beautiful exchange of love.

You are healed while that person grows in compassion.

I know a number of people who prefer masking their weaknesses. I'm not saying that it's bad, but it's not good either. It's even proven scientifically that bottling up your emotions can cause some dreadful physical manifestations.

Give yourself a break and remove that mask from your face. Allow love to heal you through a comforting embrace, a friend's treat to ice cream to melt the sadness away, or even just a listening ear.

If you're feeling down right now, know that at this moment I ask you to open yourself to my embrace. :)  I love you. :)

I make a point to visit my great Physician at the chapel in school right before all my classes start. I let Him check my heart on a daily basis. Missing a trip to the Doctor is not an option. I sense the drawbacks of not going to Him as the long day progresses. Not good for me to skip.

If you read my blog, you would know that I don't wake up to very nice mornings. It's been well over a month and my palpitations haven't stopped yet. I can't say I'm not doing better, though. I'm actually doing very well despite my mornings. My palpitations aren't as bad anymore. There's the occasional heartburn but I'm making very good progress.

It's all because I confide in my great Doctor. Every morning, I pull the large wooden door of the chapel open and take my usual seat at the back. I take a deep a deep breath, make the sign of the cross, and mentally tap God and say, "Hey, good morning! I'm here again for my check-up."

Then I proceed telling Him my feelings and thoughts:

 "My morning is pretty crappy. Why does it have to be like this? My heart beat faster than a helicopter's wings this morning."

"I'm so sleepy today! My heart feels better, though."

"I feel horrible today. It's so heavy I can't stand it. When's this gonna end? You know what I think? That...."

"I know you're healing me right now. Change my bandages, please?"

"Today feels like a good day! Can't it be like this everyday?"

And that's my daily routine. A good 15-20 minutes in there makes all the difference in my day.

And after I expel all fury, anxiety, and depression in my body, I end by saying my thanks, do the sign of the cross, sling my bag on my shoulder, and leave.

But before I push the door open, I turn around to face the cross and say,

"When I get out of this door, all the bad things will stay here and I will not think about them the entire day. I choose happiness today."

And the Lord takes my burdens away without question and I leave the chapel like I've woken up the second time. This time, light and positive. Without the heart problems.

~ What am I trying to say? Surrender. Surrender your burdens wholeheartedly and allow happiness to embrace you. :)

~*~

I ate at Yaki Mix today with my family to celebrate my parents' 19th anniversary. Because I ate so much, I looked preggers after how many plates of Japanese everything. I hope I don't die of bangungot tonight or something. :))

What caught my eye at the restaurant was the manager who paced around the entire restaurant, making sure that all the customer's were happy. He was doing the same tasks the waiters were doing --- happily taking away dirty plates, lighting the stoves, and refilling glasses of iced tea.

The only difference between him and the waiters was that he was wearing long sleeves, a tie, and black slacks while the waiters wore their brown uniforms.

And I admired him that. We need more leaders like that-- who work with their subordinates rather than make them do the work, who exemplify humility and become good role models.

I wish I had affirmed him then. I was too preoccupied watching my sister finish cooking the fresh shrimps on the hotplate. :))

~*~

I just want to plug that my littlest sister is growing cuter and more beautiful each day. Her smile is a painkiller for my heart. She is my miracle and blessing. I love her so much. :)

I never thought I could dread Saturdays so much.

I dread Saturdays more than Mondays and Thursdays.

I used to love Saturdays. Saturday was my special day. It was the day I would usually look forward to. Everything that was good happened on Saturdays. Saturdays made my heart soar.

That was before.

Now, I just feel like I want that day to fly faster than Hermes with a hundred wings.

How bad is a Saturday, you ask? Saturdays open up that deep wound in my chest.

Over. And over. And over again.

And I start to wonder. Would it be like this for me in future Saturdays? My heart palpitations are bad enough. You wanna add cutting the wound in it open again, too?

I fear the future. I fear what my heart would be like. I fear what I would be like. In weeks? Months? Years?

Because as far as I know, I know nothing about it at all.

But there's a cure to this fear.

LIVE HAPPINESS DAY BY DAY.

A friend told me, "It [the future] shouldn't bother you. Coz you'll find out eventually."

He could never be more true. What's the use of wondering, really? The present is more important. How I'm dealing with myself right now is more important.

The only way to heal and dispel fear is to breathe in happiness each and every day.

Find happiness in a friend's embrace. A nice hot meal. A hearty laugh. A smile. A cool breeze on a hot day. A good conversation.

Happiness is always there if you choose to see it.

Choose to see happiness. Choose to see God. Because our God is a happy God. And he wants nothing more than for you to be happy. For you to wake up whole and not broken. For you to see love. For you to see beautiful sunsets. :)

Right now, I love all my weekdays. Even my Mondays and Thursdays. That's two days down, one to go.

I hope that happiness fills you with every breath you take. :)

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that my situation right now is the hardest and most excruciating thing I've had to deal with in my entire life by far. I am not kidding. And it's not funny.

I'm suffering mentally, emotionally, and even physically.

The worst part is that a doctor nor a nurse can heal me or even treat the pain to make it better. They can't prescribe me pain killers. They can't diagnose me with anything. They can't treat that deep open wound in my heart. Nothing.

Have you ever felt this kind of pain? If you have, then I hope that this pain is gone. If you haven't, I sincerely pray you don't go through this at all.

But to those who are going through it like me, let me tell you that I've been going to a Doctor than can heal our pain. :)

I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. Yup, He's the greatest Doctor anyone could ever ask for. Our BIG God.

~*~

When you're nursing a deep wound, you can't just let it heal on its own. You have to clean out and treat the wound; and that's usually coupled with tremendous pain.

But I've come up with an organized way to heal. It's nothing new, but in a state like mine, you're practically a modern Sisa. People like us need other people to keep us sane sometimes.

Here we go:

1. GO SEE THE DOCTOR. - He's waiting for you in the Blessed Sacrament. Tell Him how you're feeling and what you want Him to do about it. He'll be listening to you patiently and will heal you in exchange for nothing.

2. SHOW THE WOUND AND LET HIM TREAT IT. - Show Him how deep the wound is. Hold nothing back. Let Him see the deepest and most painful parts. Then let Him treat it. Let Him do all the cleaning, sewing, and bandaging. Expect pain but know that He's telling you that everything will be alright.

3. ALLOW TIME FOR HEALING. - I actually hate this part; and as much as I hate to admit it, it's necessary. No deep wound can heal in a day.

4. TAKE PAINKILLERS. - Laughter, for me, is the best painkiller. So are friends, family, and relatives. Hobbies are another. Counting your blessings, too. Alcohol is a great painkiller as well! HAHAHA! Let's remember moderation!

5. GO BACK FOR CHECK-UPS. - Go back to Him daily if needed. Let Him know the progress of your healing, the pain you're going through...just everything. Keep letting Him clean out the wound and replacing them with fresh bandages. Do yourself a favor and keep it away from infections that can make them worse.

Note: It's always polite to thank the Doctor after He treats you. :)

Let me tell you that I don't follow this all the time. I fail sometimes because the pain gets too unbearable. And I feel that's alright. What matters is that you know you're making progress each day, knowing that you will be alright. Because no one deserves this pain. NO ONE. Especially YOU. :)

So, friend, do you want to go to the Doctor today? Take my hand and let's go together. :)