One Thursday, while I was watching a play called The Vagina Monologues, I received a phone call that didn't make me happy at all.

Since the play was finished anyway after that call, I went to stay with a group of people I knew. I had to wait a while since I was riding back to Makati with my teacher (who was part of the play) .

"Hello, everyone!" I greeted and sat on one of the chairs available there.

I didn't realize that I had such a sad (more of frustrated) disposition plastered on my face until a friend pointed it out to me.

"What's wrong?" He asked.
My gaze drifted towards him, my mind still hung up on the phone conversation I had.  "Hmm? What do you mean?"
"Your eyes."
I was caught off guard. "What do you mean?"
"You're not okay."
"How can you tell?" I replied in bewilderment.
"Your eyes kind of..." and then he made a gesture by pulling down the outer corner of his eyes. "Are you okay?"

For some reason, a feeling of relief washes over me. I tell him what happened and he replies with kind words and an assuring hug.

And what have I learned from this?

Vulnerability is not a bad thing sometimes. It's good for you and for the person you show your vulnerability to.

As you present yourself in your brokenness, you open yourself to healing.

And at the same moment, you are giving the person seeing you in that state an opportunity to show compassion.

And there is this beautiful exchange of love.

You are healed while that person grows in compassion.

I know a number of people who prefer masking their weaknesses. I'm not saying that it's bad, but it's not good either. It's even proven scientifically that bottling up your emotions can cause some dreadful physical manifestations.

Give yourself a break and remove that mask from your face. Allow love to heal you through a comforting embrace, a friend's treat to ice cream to melt the sadness away, or even just a listening ear.

If you're feeling down right now, know that at this moment I ask you to open yourself to my embrace. :)  I love you. :)

I am not new to broken promises.

But there are just some promises I cling to so bad that when broken, they hurt me so bad. And they aggravate me...disappoint me.

I feel betrayed and lied to.

It's those promises that require sacrifice on my end, especially.

Also, it's those promises that somewhat go,

"I need to start fixing my finances and myself for my future kasi so blah blah blah...."
~ And you see them burn their money on drinking and going out to "unwind" while they continuously think about their debts and being broke.

"Someday, you'll be great. Just keep working hard and do your best for the company."
~ And you discover that the boss you looked up to was previously charged with Estafa thrice, is in debt, and just used you as a pawn to steal more money from the company-- making you work from 11am-11pm for nothing.

It's those promises that play with my hope that things will be better after sacrificing, but comes out as a promise that's empty. A lie.

I'm not even going to try saying anything profound about this. Not like my usual, "There's an upside to this pain..." Nope. I'm just here to release my frustration on broken promises. Those promises broken by people I trusted so much.

I'm very disappointed with you. I thought you'd be a better person after everything but so far, you seem to be fucking up your finances up pretty well. You can say any excuse you want, but really, who's suffering? You're the one with the empty bank account after a night of drinking, "having fun", and masking your guilt.

If only you could prove me right. That you're actually someone respectable and true. How I wish that were possible. But let's face it, you never really listened to me anyway.

I make a point to visit my great Physician at the chapel in school right before all my classes start. I let Him check my heart on a daily basis. Missing a trip to the Doctor is not an option. I sense the drawbacks of not going to Him as the long day progresses. Not good for me to skip.

If you read my blog, you would know that I don't wake up to very nice mornings. It's been well over a month and my palpitations haven't stopped yet. I can't say I'm not doing better, though. I'm actually doing very well despite my mornings. My palpitations aren't as bad anymore. There's the occasional heartburn but I'm making very good progress.

It's all because I confide in my great Doctor. Every morning, I pull the large wooden door of the chapel open and take my usual seat at the back. I take a deep a deep breath, make the sign of the cross, and mentally tap God and say, "Hey, good morning! I'm here again for my check-up."

Then I proceed telling Him my feelings and thoughts:

 "My morning is pretty crappy. Why does it have to be like this? My heart beat faster than a helicopter's wings this morning."

"I'm so sleepy today! My heart feels better, though."

"I feel horrible today. It's so heavy I can't stand it. When's this gonna end? You know what I think? That...."

"I know you're healing me right now. Change my bandages, please?"

"Today feels like a good day! Can't it be like this everyday?"

And that's my daily routine. A good 15-20 minutes in there makes all the difference in my day.

And after I expel all fury, anxiety, and depression in my body, I end by saying my thanks, do the sign of the cross, sling my bag on my shoulder, and leave.

But before I push the door open, I turn around to face the cross and say,

"When I get out of this door, all the bad things will stay here and I will not think about them the entire day. I choose happiness today."

And the Lord takes my burdens away without question and I leave the chapel like I've woken up the second time. This time, light and positive. Without the heart problems.

~ What am I trying to say? Surrender. Surrender your burdens wholeheartedly and allow happiness to embrace you. :)

~*~

I ate at Yaki Mix today with my family to celebrate my parents' 19th anniversary. Because I ate so much, I looked preggers after how many plates of Japanese everything. I hope I don't die of bangungot tonight or something. :))

What caught my eye at the restaurant was the manager who paced around the entire restaurant, making sure that all the customer's were happy. He was doing the same tasks the waiters were doing --- happily taking away dirty plates, lighting the stoves, and refilling glasses of iced tea.

The only difference between him and the waiters was that he was wearing long sleeves, a tie, and black slacks while the waiters wore their brown uniforms.

And I admired him that. We need more leaders like that-- who work with their subordinates rather than make them do the work, who exemplify humility and become good role models.

I wish I had affirmed him then. I was too preoccupied watching my sister finish cooking the fresh shrimps on the hotplate. :))

~*~

I just want to plug that my littlest sister is growing cuter and more beautiful each day. Her smile is a painkiller for my heart. She is my miracle and blessing. I love her so much. :)