I never thought I could dread Saturdays so much.

I dread Saturdays more than Mondays and Thursdays.

I used to love Saturdays. Saturday was my special day. It was the day I would usually look forward to. Everything that was good happened on Saturdays. Saturdays made my heart soar.

That was before.

Now, I just feel like I want that day to fly faster than Hermes with a hundred wings.

How bad is a Saturday, you ask? Saturdays open up that deep wound in my chest.

Over. And over. And over again.

And I start to wonder. Would it be like this for me in future Saturdays? My heart palpitations are bad enough. You wanna add cutting the wound in it open again, too?

I fear the future. I fear what my heart would be like. I fear what I would be like. In weeks? Months? Years?

Because as far as I know, I know nothing about it at all.

But there's a cure to this fear.

LIVE HAPPINESS DAY BY DAY.

A friend told me, "It [the future] shouldn't bother you. Coz you'll find out eventually."

He could never be more true. What's the use of wondering, really? The present is more important. How I'm dealing with myself right now is more important.

The only way to heal and dispel fear is to breathe in happiness each and every day.

Find happiness in a friend's embrace. A nice hot meal. A hearty laugh. A smile. A cool breeze on a hot day. A good conversation.

Happiness is always there if you choose to see it.

Choose to see happiness. Choose to see God. Because our God is a happy God. And he wants nothing more than for you to be happy. For you to wake up whole and not broken. For you to see love. For you to see beautiful sunsets. :)

Right now, I love all my weekdays. Even my Mondays and Thursdays. That's two days down, one to go.

I hope that happiness fills you with every breath you take. :)

Imagine yourself in bed sleeping. Without warning, you are pulled into consciousness and your heart starts to palpitate madly. Uncontrollably.

You refuse to open your eyes and take deep breaths, hoping that the anxiety would simmer down and you can drift off back to sleep.

But the beating doesn't stop. You feel like you can get a heart attack any second. You open your eyes and see that the world is still asleep. You sit up and fumble in the dark in search for your phone to check the time.

And the rectangular light from the phone flashes on your face.

It's 5 in the morning. Sunrise.

The day begins for you on that very painful moment.

That's me.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

For almost a month now.

It's an agonizing sensation I've been trying to deal with. As much I would pray the night before that I didn't want it to happen, it would. And when it would, I have no one call to calm me down. Everyone's still asleep and of course I wouldn't want to wake them. It's just me. And the darkness.

It's enough to drive anyone mad. Enough to drive me mad.

But you know what? I'm still alive. Surprisingly, I am.

Because I discovered something remarkable. And I thank my friend for sharing it with me through this quote:

"It may not be the best sunrise, but I will go through the day knowing that my sunset will be better."

That line is what's keeping me sane these days. And happy.

Despite the fact that I suffer in the morning, I always end my day wonderfully.

Today, I made it to a point that I would paint my own sunset. I had lunch out with an old friend who treated me (you know who you are. Thank you!) to a nice meal. After catching up with him, I went out again with two friends for a second lunch (I watched them eat. I got free dessert). and ended the day watching Percy Jackson with my dad and siblings.

Now, wouldn't you say that I saw a beautiful sunset today? :)

The beautiful part about my sunsets is that I don't even try to make myself happy. By believing that I will see a beautiful sunset the moment I see the sunrise, everything seems to fall into place. And at that moment, i am pacified.

And that's what I plan to do for this Lenten Season. Not only will I give up something that's like a drug to me, I will also open myself to see 40 sunsets.

40 beautiful sunsets.

And that's enough to defeat 40 painful sunrises.

I hope you see beautiful sunsets from now on. :)

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that my situation right now is the hardest and most excruciating thing I've had to deal with in my entire life by far. I am not kidding. And it's not funny.

I'm suffering mentally, emotionally, and even physically.

The worst part is that a doctor nor a nurse can heal me or even treat the pain to make it better. They can't prescribe me pain killers. They can't diagnose me with anything. They can't treat that deep open wound in my heart. Nothing.

Have you ever felt this kind of pain? If you have, then I hope that this pain is gone. If you haven't, I sincerely pray you don't go through this at all.

But to those who are going through it like me, let me tell you that I've been going to a Doctor than can heal our pain. :)

I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. Yup, He's the greatest Doctor anyone could ever ask for. Our BIG God.

~*~

When you're nursing a deep wound, you can't just let it heal on its own. You have to clean out and treat the wound; and that's usually coupled with tremendous pain.

But I've come up with an organized way to heal. It's nothing new, but in a state like mine, you're practically a modern Sisa. People like us need other people to keep us sane sometimes.

Here we go:

1. GO SEE THE DOCTOR. - He's waiting for you in the Blessed Sacrament. Tell Him how you're feeling and what you want Him to do about it. He'll be listening to you patiently and will heal you in exchange for nothing.

2. SHOW THE WOUND AND LET HIM TREAT IT. - Show Him how deep the wound is. Hold nothing back. Let Him see the deepest and most painful parts. Then let Him treat it. Let Him do all the cleaning, sewing, and bandaging. Expect pain but know that He's telling you that everything will be alright.

3. ALLOW TIME FOR HEALING. - I actually hate this part; and as much as I hate to admit it, it's necessary. No deep wound can heal in a day.

4. TAKE PAINKILLERS. - Laughter, for me, is the best painkiller. So are friends, family, and relatives. Hobbies are another. Counting your blessings, too. Alcohol is a great painkiller as well! HAHAHA! Let's remember moderation!

5. GO BACK FOR CHECK-UPS. - Go back to Him daily if needed. Let Him know the progress of your healing, the pain you're going through...just everything. Keep letting Him clean out the wound and replacing them with fresh bandages. Do yourself a favor and keep it away from infections that can make them worse.

Note: It's always polite to thank the Doctor after He treats you. :)

Let me tell you that I don't follow this all the time. I fail sometimes because the pain gets too unbearable. And I feel that's alright. What matters is that you know you're making progress each day, knowing that you will be alright. Because no one deserves this pain. NO ONE. Especially YOU. :)

So, friend, do you want to go to the Doctor today? Take my hand and let's go together. :)